The Dark Side of the Moon

I missed a period in late April. I didn’t realize it at first with all the excitement of getting Treasure released. And no, I don’t miss periods because of stress. I’ve been as regular as clockwork since I was thirteen no matter what was occurring in my life. Until now. Then in the first week of June I started spotting – continuously - and that became a full period by the first of July which has not abated despite the progesterone my doctor prescribed. All tests so far indicate I am perfectly normal for a woman entering peri-menopause. Most women are "lucky" and the estrogen peters out and the periods slowly stop and that’s that. Not me. No, my body is fighting for its life. My estrogen is completely out of control; and we’re not sure if my progesterone has just gone missing or a normal output can’t keep up.

Long story short: it’s been an interesting couple of months. The never-ending period from hell – complete with non-stop PMS – has been very trying, but it pales in comparison to its implications. I’m way fucking older than I felt I was. I’m only forty-four; I thought I had another six years or more before going through this. And though I have considered voluntarily ending it all via a sex-change at many times, the reality of losing this fundamental part of my femininity has really troubled me in both expected and non-expected ways.

The main reason is the kid thing. I don’t have kids. We kept putting it off and putting it off and always feeling we had time “later”. Well now we don’t. We are almost completely out of time and options and really should set it aside – but we don’t want to. But since we’re not in a financial position to engage in Herculean measures to solve the problem, it looks like it’s just something we’ll have to learn to accept. There has been a great deal of mourning. It’s as if we’re on an interstate discussing where we’re going to go next in our lives and we see the exit for a destination we really thought we would go speeding by. It’s to the credit of our marriage – to the work we put into it and the love we share – that we didn’t wreck the car over the matter.

So anyway, I'm going to try to start blogging again; but due to the continual PMS thing, there are days when my thoughts are not fit for public viewing. I just wanted people to know I'm not dead.